Stereotype my Cliché

June 10, 2010

Allow me to bare my soul to you.

I was commenting on someone’s blog about love and what it was like for them, and I thought I’d share my experience. I found myself just trying to prove myself. I’m 17 and most people older who see that and think automatically, “She has no idea, she’s so young.”

I didn’t get the memo that only adults get to experience love. Just because I’m a teenager doesn’t mean I have no notion of what the word means and what it is.

I’ve been in one serious relationship in my life that account for anything. His name was Robert and I met him as soon as I entered high school. He was a senior, although he was a juniors age. But still 14 and 17 is a big difference. It was the time of my life where I was figuring out who I was and becoming that person. So being in this brand new relationship that was better than any I’d had before, I was knocked on my ass. Two weeks in I knew it was love, and so did he. For real, not retarded teenage hormones. Over the next year it grew more and more intense.

We shared everything we had with each other. We were so perfectly compatible. If he wasn’t the one meant for me, I’m going to be amazed at the guy who is.

But yes, it ended. After 13 months together, it only took one month of college and one girl to lose him. The girl was me, except not nearly as pretty and older. She’s a bitch for real, and she doesn’t have an excuse. He changed so completely, but he didn’t at the same time. He was still there under the lies and secrets and hate. Just not there for me.

It complete and utterly broke me apart. I grew not into my own Amber, but instead I’d become Robert’s Amber. I had no idea how to be without him. One year and 8 months later it still hurts like hell. I didn’t eat for three months, I cried constantly without stop. Two things got me through; music and my parents. After a while I realized what it was doing to them and forced myself to stop, it took a lot to do it, too. I made a lot of mistakes while at it. I replaced him with relationships that would never be right for me, just to feel like some person wanted me, it was what I knew best.

I realized shortly that there were a lot of guys who did want me, for reasons both good and bad. It was a wake up call, I never thought of myself as some one who would be wanted that much. I was like a kid put in a candy store after having to eat nothing but vegetables for a year. I’d rather eat the vegetables.

Of course there was also that matter of that supreme bitchiness in me due to things beyond my control . I started talking to all the friends I stopped seeing when I started dating Robert, and when I got back in their good graces I got too comfortable and started breaking people apart with my words.

I was so broken I’m still not even half-way healed, and I never will be complete again. I’m so afraid of it happening again I automatically protect myself from major love. I’ll fall for jerks because apart of me knows it won’t last, and I’ll snub the good guys because I know it can go somewhere. I don’t do it on purpose, my heart just rewired itself that way. I’m constantly looking for a good mechanic to fix it, because I can’t even will myself to stop. It’s hopeless. So I just keep making the same mistake over and over. I’ve had so many boyfriends, so many loser boyfriends.

But I’ve been able to let him go, he has plans to move as soon as college is over and if I move its going to be on my own terms. He has said he misses me and really wishes we could get together. But I can see right through him. All I am is ‘Something that happened and that won’t ever again but the idea is fun to play with.’ I’m fine with that. I don’t miss him much anyway, he didn’t age that well, and plus I’m much taller than he is now. But also, I miss what we had more. I just want that again.

So there it is. I finally told my story.


5 Responses to “Stereotype my Cliché”

  1. Alice said

    Stay strong. One day the guy will come who will be there to be angry at all the games who have hurt you. Especially this one.

  2. Anonymous said

    I miss being best friends.
    I’m sorry about the times I was a bitch, to your face and otherwise.
    And I’m really sorry that I’m too much of a coward to apologize irl, or even put my name on this.

  3. Age doesn’t matter when it comes to love. I fell in love for the first time in highschool as well and it was messy and over by the time he graduated. I don’t regret the experience it makes you a better person. Falling in love starts early and so does heartbreak. Thank you for the reminder.

  4. I remember my junior year of highschool i met and had fallen so hard in love with this one guy named adam. He broke my heart so bad. It took me like a year to fully recover from that. we were together for about a year. I know how bad that pain is. And sometimes i still think about it and how bad it hurt. He left me also for another girl. I totally belive you can fall in love at 17 and don’t let anyone tell you anything different

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